I’ve been putting off writing this one. Let me start with: I’m okay. I’m loved and have a wonderful husband and lovely little fuzzy beasts to care for me. The only focus I have right now is beating cancer. Well, and getting the house fixed. Update: The front of the house is being torn off to fix the lintel and broken bricks. The previous roofer is slowly paying us back for the shoddy job. Things are progressing.
So, why am I writing this now? I learned this week that one of my classmates from high school has died. No, I did not know them well. No, we weren’t friends. But it appears that depression may have led to the ending of a life, and that’s not okay. My heart is hurting for everyone that cared about this person so much. I care. I don’t want this to happen to anyone.
If you are having thoughts of suicide, you need help. Please call 800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
Per my quick google search and a visit to the National Institute of Health’s website, I found some sobering statistics. Suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the US. 47,000 people died by suicide in 2017. 10-34 years old? It’s the leading cause of death. We hear about homicides, but there are more than twice as many suicides than homicides every year.
No one really wants to talk about it.
But… you just said you’re fine!
I am. Now. In the past? Maybe not so much. The farthest I would have ever gotten was suicidal ideation, or thinking about it. I liken it to when I wanted to run away as a child, but I couldn’t figure out how to carry all my books (I guess I’d be a runaway now since I could just take a tablet with me to read on! Ha!). Vanity always won out against the darkest thoughts, but only because the surest ways to end one’s own life are usually messy.
Gotta look good in that coffin.
This is hard to write. I’m happy I’m here today. I’m happy I’m handling depression well. I spent a short time around 2008-2009 on meds for my depression. I didn’t like them. I didn’t like that I couldn’t cry at my Mom’s funeral. They wouldn’t let me. So, I went off of them.
I saw somewhere recently that depression is “seeing humanity as an existential horror” or something along those lines. For me? That’s true. It’s easy for me to see all the wrong in the world. People are homeless in the US. Why? We have enough money to feed everyone and get a roof over their heads. There are wars going on. The war in Afghanistan is still going on, were you aware? Children die in horrific ways. Animals die in horrific ways. People treat each other like crap. The world seems to be spinning out of control.
So.
I focus. I focus on the things that I can control. I can control my reactions to things. I can spend time with my family and friends - apologies to friends lately, I’ve been hyper-focused on work and staying away from people mostly - and, yes, my work. My work helps me stay focused.
To reiterate, I am a stenographer. I found this career when I was 27 and started school at 29. That was 10 years ago. Now you know how old I am! Again. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned that elsewhere.
Prior to stenography, I worked in mortgage banking. I was an application taker, a mortgage processor, a mortgage underwriter, and worked in what I lovingly refer to as ‘executive complaints’. Yes. I sent the police to someone’s house once after he looked up my address and read it back to me over the phone. Moral: Don’t mess with me. I will embarrass you in front of your family.
For me, that career was soul-crushing. I was pretty good at it. Sure, I had to throw a fit to get a promotion - it worked - and then ran into a ‘trainer’ who seemed to have it in for me - I eventually overcame that one and got ‘approved’ yay… - but I wasn’t happy. It was super stressful work and made my depression worsen. I worked in mortgage banking from 2003-2009. Never again.
Now I’m a stenographer. A captioner, to be exact. I listen to the stories and learnings of others all day every day. Some days it’s very exciting. Captioning medical breakthroughs or the latest in tech. Art openings. Some days it’s very boring. Captioning a group editing a document or that time I almost fell asleep during chemistry class. I’ve taken chemistry like five times now. I could probably write it in my sleep.
Some days I learn and witness things I didn’t know and could have blissfully continued my life knowing nothing about. Training to be a captioner during Sandy Hook. Captioning The Central Park Five.
In all of these ‘jobs’ as we call them, I learn and expand my knowledge. I never grow bored. I stay focused on my writing to ensure that the consumer has the best possible product. Sometimes I get my ass handed to me, but most days I’m right there providing 99.9% verbatim and and accurate captions.
While I don’t want to say captioning saved my life, I will say that it saved my sanity and probably my health. I am a weird one in my little world. I joke that I got nervous once right before a huge football game on national TV. I got nervous because it was a Big Ten game, although it wasn’t ‘my’ team - GO HAWKS! - but I managed to get rid of that nervousness and enjoyed captioning the game. Well, I still get nervous when taking tests, but I have initials behind my name now because I can write 225 wpm while shaking, apparently. I could edit that test - it only took me 10 minutes. Ha!
If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably like… what were we talking about?
Depression.
If your brain is wired that way, it’s a never-ending fight. If you’re confused about what it is, you’ve probably never experienced it. I’m glad for that. I hope you never do. It’s not just a sadness. Sadness can stay forever, but it’s still different. Don’t dismiss it. If someone comes to you for help, they really need it. Most people with depression will suffer in silence. I know I did. Outwardly, they may look happy. Life is great. All happy. Happy happy happy!! Look at me!
It’s a hidden disease. No one knows how many people suffer from it, because it’s not talked about enough. And those going through it? It’s easier to just curl up in a ball and wait for the day to end and go to sleep rather than get help. Maybe tomorrow will be better.